The Key to Not Being Called an Arrogant, Self-Absorbed Writer

Writers have a hard life. The pay is crap, critics abound, and the work is lonely. Not to mention, we often get called names like arrogant, self-absorbed, and so on.

To be fair, sometimes the critics are right. We can be a self-centered bunch. So how do we break out of this cycle of thankless, criticized, solitary work? One simple solution is this:

Write more about others than about yourself.

Writing About Yourself

Photo credit: Emlyn Stokes (Creative Commons)

When writing each and every sentence, you’re faced with one of two choices:

  1. You can write about yourself.
  2. You can write about others.

Each word you type, every phrase you craft — you are faced with this decision.

Will it be about you or someone else?

Writing about yourself

When you write about yourself, employ humility. But do it without sounding too self-deprecating. Nobody likes someone who is too hard on herself.

Present the facts, even the ones that don’t make you look so hot. In fact, share those first. Write the ugly parts of your story.

When writing about yourself — this is extremely important — avoid making yourself the main character.

It’s hard not to think of ourselves as the protagonists of our own stories, but sometimes we’re not. Sometimes, we’re the supporting character. Sometimes, we’re the narrator.

So many people are talking about themselves; be different, and make someone else the hero. If you do this well, people will be drawn to the stories you tell.

Because selflessness is interesting. Compelling, in fact.

Writing about others

When you write about others, illuminate their strengths and humanity at the same time. Don’t trash their reputation, but make them real.

Give your subjects flesh. Make them human. People will relate to flawed characters — they will find themselves in the story, instead of as just a bystander.

But — here is the kicker — don’t make them too real. Make your characters slightly larger than life with a fair amount of nuance. Allow them to stand for an ideal, a cause. They need to represent something in a true and honest way.

Don’t just create people; create archetypes.

What’s the point?

In all of these things, your goal is authenticity. A story is nothing if people do not believe it. More than that, they must be challenged by it. They must be moved.

And how you position the characters is everything.

The reality is we want to be heroes, but often the best thing to do is to tell somebody else’s story.

This is how we create something bigger than us, something that others can be inspired by.

Do you write more about yourself or others? Share in the comments.

*Photo credit: Emlyn Stokes (Creative Commons)

About the Author

Jeff Goins

I help people tell better stories and make a difference in the world. I live in Tennessee with my wife and dog. Follow me on Twitter and Facebook.

  • theoates

    These are all good pieces of advice and hold true to fiction writing as well

    • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

      thanks!

  • http://jeffgoins.myadventures.org Jeff Goins

    Thanks – I agree that these definitely work for fiction, too. Good call.

  • Sharon Powell

    Jeff,
    This is good advice. I am just beginning my freelance career and will take this to heart.

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  • http://twitter.com/jeddbreaker Jedd Lim

    Nice style of writing. You’re really good, kind of wants to make me start writing again. I’ll be reading through your archives if you don’t mind.

    • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

      not at all, Jedd!

  • http://www.mustardseedyear.com Jason Wert

    This is something I’ve really had to keep in mind over the year.  Since my blog this year is focused on what God’s doing daily in my life, it’s hard not to write posts where I’m the protagonist of the posting.  I try to tie in lessons that I hope are universal to everyone and I do write about others when I can but I can’t completely divorce myself from the posts.  I’ve had comments on both sides where they think I’m too self-focused and others who think I’m balanced right.  I guess you can’t please everyone.  

    Good post, Jeff.  You just keep getting better and better.

    • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

      Thanks, Jason. Here’s a thought: Maybe you’re NOT the protagonist in a blog about how God is doing in your life. Read that sentence again. Just a thought.

      • http://www.mustardseedyear.com Jason Wert

        Good point.  I worded my comment poorly.  I meant focused on things within my daily life vs. what I see in other people’s lives.  That’s certainly not having me as the protagonist but perhaps the setting for the protagonist?  I need caffeine.

        • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

          right. didn’t mean to preach. just thought it was worth noting.

  • http://twitter.com/meganwillome Megan Willome

    Working for a magazine, I get to do both. My articles are about other people, and my columns are more about me. Columns are much harder to write!

    • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

      interesting

  • http://www.jasonvana.com Jason Vana

    I tend to use a lot of stories from my own life, but always turn them to relate to us as a whole. So, I do write about me but also about others. 

    • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

      i’ve found that to be useful, too

  • http://www.CrazyAboutChurch.com Charles Specht

    I tend to be the most interesting and the most UNinteresting person I know…and usually at the same time!    ;)

    Great article, by the way!

    • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

      thanks!

  • http://believinginhorses.com Valerie

    Thanks, Jeff.  I JUST posted a blog about breaking the blogging rules, one of the reasons being that it’s not all about me.  Great timing, and as usual, I love your thoughts. 

    • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

      link?

  • Anonymous

    I would love to answer your question but I’m feeling convicted not to write about myself. So I have this “friend” see, who I feel does a fairly decent job at balancing his writing so it’s not all about him. But he does tend to write a lot about me. I’m flattered of course, but it makes me a little uncomfortable at times. I’ll be sure and pass this great suggestion on to him.

    • Anonymous

      Wow! I just realized that in my attempt to be funny, I not only wrote about myself in first person, I also managed to write about myself in 3rd person. That would make me doubly narcissistic. And add to that, the fact that I have just replied to myself! 

      • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

        hah!

    • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

      clever

  • http://dr1665.com Brian Driggs

    The vast majority of my writing is about and for others. For me, sharing their stories stands to show the world how much they matter. And I believe people who feel they matter will act as such.

    I am not a writer. I am merely manning the loom, bringing threads together and showing them how they are part of something bigger. 

    • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

      awesome analogy. i love that.

  • http://www.justcris.com Cris Ferreira

    During my whole career, I wrote technical material. When writing about clicking buttons or server crashes you don’t worry about issues like this, but then it isn’t nearly as rewarding (in my opinion).
    I’m enjoying writing non-technical texts so much, and I’m learning a lot from my own difficulties, like the one you convered in this post.
    I also struggle to avoid sounding too preachy.

  • kati

    I’m wondering what you mean by:Don’t just create people; create archetypes.
    Sounds intriguing — can’t quite wrap my mind around what that would look like on paper (but then maybe i just don’t know enough about what the word “archetypes” means!). 

     Thanks for having this “it’s all about the reader” theme throughout your blog.  Your ability to employ this value is what keeps me coming back for more.

    • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

      It means this: Make your characters larger than life; make them stand for an ideal.

  • http://www.linchpinbloggers.com/ Don McAllister

    I try to write for others, but also show how I relate to the topic at hand as well. Great advice!

    • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

      you do better at this than most, Don. keep up the good work.

      • http://www.linchpinbloggers.com/ Don McAllister

        Thanks man! appreciate that. 

  • http://www.arnyslight.wordpress.com Arnyslight

    “The reality is we want to be heroes, but often the best thing to do is to tell somebody else’s story.”

    Very cool line Jeff…soo true…

    LOL…come to think of it…maybe we should write like the Avengers or Justice League…where in the story….we are all Heroes!

    • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

      You had my at Justice League.

  • http://barrypearman.blogspot.com/ Barry Pearman

    What! Its all about me isn’t it? 

    I just read a great blog on copy blogger about creating an imaginary friend as the person you are writing to. 

    Michael Tosla is a pastor who is struggling to know how to help a parishioner and their family who have a son with Mental Illness. 

    Suellen Yondhul has had a tough life. She has been sexually abused, and now she self harms regularly just to know she is alive.  

    Writing for others in this way makes the writing way more focused. 

    thanks for the great material Jeff

    • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

      my pleasure, Barry. it IS all about you, after all… ;)

      • http://barrypearman.blogspot.com/ Barry Pearman

        Come on Jeff, let’s not argue about this, its actually about you, really. Win:Win I think!

  • http://newlife919blog.blogs.com/ Gary

    A friend likes to say, “People will enjoy your home movies more if they’re in them.”

    • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

      well said

  • sweetpea

    Great site Jeff.  Some great insights.  I write poetry, I write about my observations but I have never called myself a writer.  Yep. I concur with Barry… whadyameanitsnotallaboutme!!   Perhaps my writing reflects the depth of my schlemieldom, fluctuating from cheesy Narcissicistic Oprah-isms to the depths of depression.    Guilty.  I need to get my writing mojo working.  Open those chakra’s or leave them to Chopra.  
    Can’t help thinking about George Carlin right about now.  Perhaps writers,  or would be writers  also suffer from frisbeeism. Frisbeeism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. 
    I wish I had written that!

  • http://deuceology.wordpress.com Larry Carter

    If you write about others, be careful what you say.

    • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

      good point

  • guest

    Well now I am just intrigued. Don’t writers come in all shapes, sizes, political persuasions, the religious, the spiritual, the fish-out-of-water? Of course, with my last post I had my tongue firmly implanted in my cheek.  Yes, I do like your site. No, I don’t understand this topic, in context with your other posts.  I mean, it’s all subjective really. If we are “arrogant” or “self absorbed”, or write when we are “angry” five will get you ten that one doesn’t write this way all the time. Depends on your mood, the subject matter, the context.   If you call someone’s writing  arrogant and self-absorbed does this not also depend on the perspective of the “caller”..not all writing resonates with everybody. So what’s the price of being authentic or original? Perhaps all we have are own experiences, either you can tell it as you see it warts and all (which may or may not be of some value to someone) or wrap it up in a nice persona, character who is your mouthpiece anyway-  
     There’s a real danger here of being overly moralistic …. depends on where you stand? No?

    Yes we live in this strange Kardashian self-absorbed world.  Now this may well be an arrogant observation, but because I have taught English Lit…yep guilty.. in both christian and secular colleges… both readers/students from each category are also bound by their perceptions.  The Christian schooled in “selflessness” would point to the “world” and call them “selfish” and “arrogant”, besides banning books like D.H Lawrence and the like, the secular reader/student might  howl with laughter at the contradiction..that the judgement itself is in itself myopic.  I once had a student who saw Jesus in every symbol or image in a poem. Okay Gerard Manley Hopkins I can dig it, but not in every poem!
    Perception. 

    No I am not christian bashing.  Philip Yancey..now there’s a writer- christian or otherwise. 

    So what am I saying?  I have never marked a student’s paper by calling it arrogant or self-absorbed.  Depends on the context anyway and your paradigm.  Some of the funniest, most creative , AND illuminating writing  has been written in this way.  If we are too judgemental or myopic we might fail to see the irony.

    To that I ask. Arrogant and self-absorbed compared to what?

  • Matt

    Hey Jeff,

    Interesting article, as usual :-) I would say that my posts make the focus on the reader, while sharing my experience. So both…

    Cheers!Matt