Goins, Writer

On Writing, Ideas, and Making a Difference

Get Over Your Commitment Phobia & Do Something

I know a lot of “commitment-phobes.” Most of them are my peers. Some of them are my friends. In fact, I was one of them. So I’ll just cut to the chase: I’m sick of this crap.

I’m tired of noncommittal, unreliable people who give the rest of us ready to make a difference in the world a bad name.

Here’s a message to those who are apprehensive to commit: It’s time to get over your commitment phobia and do something. The fruit of it is worth the pain.

“But I’m scared of making the wrong decision…”

Any commitment is a risk. That’s a given. However, we need to consider the greater risk of waiting for the perfect opportunity. Every leader I know, every influencer I meet, knows something that I am slowly learning: Greatness doesn’t come cheap.

Greatness has a cost. And its name is commitment. You can’t achieve success without pledging yourself to a cause. You can’t take a relationship to the next level without making a choice. You can’t create without shipping.

Sure, it costs you something. It probably costs you a hundred somethings. Every choice inevitably means not choosing something else. But what it also costs you is the anxiety of waiting, freeing you from the paralysis of doing nothing. Committing sets you free.

My painful experience with commitment

I learned about the fruit of commitment first through getting ready for marriage.

Initially, I struggled with committing the rest of my life to one person. While I knew that it was the right choice, there was still something in me wanting to pull back. To delay. To take my time. I was afraid. It sounded too risky. And it was. But when I kissed my wife, I knew that pushing through the fear was the right choice.

Same thing happened with my first job. I had a picture in my mind of an ideal and when my experience didn’t meet that, I would get scared and want to leave. But something wouldn’t let me.

Instead, I stuck through, and it made all the difference.

Epiphany for a commitment-phobe

Eventually, I realized that the fear of commitment was what made it so great. Some blessings only come with long-term investment. They may be less grandiose than the quick and erratic changes that mark adolescence, but they are far more beautiful.

C.S. Lewis calls this phenomenon the “quieter love.” It surpasses butterflies and gushy feelings, but still has a profound effect on the soul. When we work past our commitment phobia and do something, we find a deeper, albeit more subtle, form of abundance in life. And it’s a beautiful thing.

Some assignments in life take more than a season. Certain flavors of greatness take time. They require blood, sweat, and tears before you see the harvest.

This could be a job, a class, or a relationship. We all eventually face a decision that requires something deep of us. We want to hold back, we want to minimize our potential losses. We try to play it safe, and that’s the wrong approach.

What you should do next

It’s important for our own sakes that we don’t shy away from these opportunities to grow. When you come across these situations where you feel uncomfortable and hesitant, don’t be afraid. Recognize that this is a form of what Steven Pressfield calls the Resistance — a spiritual, emotional force that is trying prevent you from being your true self.

Something is holding you back from committing; don’t let it. Don’t wait for more information if it’s not going to come. Don’t “sleep on it.” Don’t procrastinate. These are all distractions — subtle forms of deception defeating countless leaders that could be making a difference right now.

Embrace the challenge. Make the choice. Commit and do something. The fruit is always worth the pain. The alternative is the fruit goes unpicked and falls to the ground, rotten. And who wants that?

Have you ever struggled with commitment phobia? How did you beat it? Share in the comments.

About Jeff Goins

I write books and help writers get their work out into the world. I am the best-selling author of four books, including The Art of Work. Each week, I send out a newsletter with free tips on writing and creativity.

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  • “Embrace the challenge. Make the choice. Commit, and do something.” Love it! Thanks, Jeff!

  • In my experience I use my ADD as an excuse to avoid commitment of any kind. If something looks like it’s gonna take a lot of work and concentration, my first thought yes, “Yeah, I’m just gonna go the opposite way now.” And then nothing gets done! But if I take baby steps, I find out that committing to something isn’t as painful as I thought!

  • Joey Cope

    Jeff, I just had a conversation with 30-something colleague and I wish I had seen this and could have read it to him. More importantly, as a late 50-something, I also realized as I read that I sometimes use my age and my station in life as an excuse not to commit. Thanks for reminding me that I have a lot of things yet to do — and being non-committal doesn’t make them happen.

  • Interestingly, I’ve typed several different responses to this post, only to delete every one. I literally cannot commit to one line of thinking. Committing or not committing can be as simple as wanting to be involved vs. not wanting to be involved. The fear/phobia may not stem from the commitment; instead, it may stem from the judgment we fear from our peers by not moving forward or ‘doing something’. Sometimes we just want to sit one out, yet sitting one out may come with guilt. Enter the good ol’ ‘commitment’ excuse. I’ll hold off on deleting this response, though honestly, I’m not sure I am 100% committed to this thought, either.

    • Hah! Great response. Really appreciate it Lenore. I think you’re on to something here.

  • It’s almost creepy that we posted on the same thing today…

  • amykiane

    I’ve never been afraid of commitment as far as family or relationships. My biggest obstacle has been overcoming my fear of failure when it comes to committing to my ideas or goals or dreams.

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  • Anonymous

    Ohmygosh. I think I’m most of what you talked about. You just summed up my very disturbing behavior. This post just made it more real for me.

    About a year ago I was not aware until my ex-boyfriend pointed it out. Every time he would talk about serious things like marriage or (gulp) babies, I’d get very very uncomfortable. The thought of getting married and having babies itself freaks me out. I mean, I love playing with babies, they’re adorable and smells good (haha), but I wouldn’t want to have my own babies. I told my ex-boyfriend that and he was shocked. It disturbed me too because it was like, I was being the guy in the relationship, not wanting to be tied down.

    Just recently, someone offered me an opportunity to grow, and you know what, I procrastinated in making a decision, whether to accept it or not.

    I’m working on this behavior. THANK YOU for this article.

    • you’re welcome. i’m working on it, too. glad to know i’m not alone. 🙂

  • Excellent post, Jeff.  I blogged about that this morning – in a narrower sense.  You’ve really got a pulse on something here.  I’ll pass on a related read: “Lost in Transition – The Dark Side of Emerging Adulthood.” 

  • Kiki

    I just discovered your blog while doing a search to see if anyone else out there would understand why I am so commitment phobic (not as much to relationships, more to work type situations).  While I wish others didn’t also struggle with this, I have to admit it does feel a lot less lonely to know I’m not the only one! I do art, write, and have just been considering doing a blog myself (wondering if I can commit to it though- ha!) and I see a lot of this on this website- seems like there is definitely a link between the creative expression and commitment phobic people. Thanks for your posting!

  • Reid451

    Great post.  I’m 50.  My committment phobia will emerge if I have had a bad prior experience and find myself getting in the same situation.  Kind of like PTSD.  So when my marriage ended, which was a bad experience for me, I was stuck just dating women for about 20 years, and being lonely.  But when asked to take things to the next level….fear!   But I had a break through when a tough therapist told me to stop “dating” my girlfriend and just go hang out at my girlfriend’s place…”take your laundry, watch t.v., just hang out…no more date nights.”   I did, slowly, and it worked.  We moved in, are engaged.  I feel fine.    

  • elusiveemotions

    I’m 21, and a senior in college. I have a great career path picked out and locked in. I have a great family led by great parents that always have had a rock solid marriage. When i went in to college I didn’t want to get into a relationship because it would hold me back which i still believe is a good idea for all freshman. Now that i am a senior i have settled down in my party ways and become more responsible. I long for a woman that i can just hang out with on a week night without having to chase girls. I really do want a girlfriend now. The only problem is every time i find a girl it usually starts out great for a week or so. After that i get annoyed by simple things that really should be positives and begin to work to find things wrong with her to write her off. I know i have this problem and i would really like to get it to stop but i can’t and i can’t find the root of the problem either. In high school i got the butterflies in the stomach head over heels feeling for a girl but now days its really hard for me to develop any sort of an emotional attachment to a girl. I always think I’m passing up someone better by being with this person.

    • Natalie

      This post is 100% me. I don’t know why I choose to write people off so easily, especially when I know deep down that they’re a great person. I already have a great career locked in, and with every opportunity I say to myself that I can find something better. I convince myself of all their flaws when in reality, I know it’s me. I have no clue what to do

  • randomgirl

    What a wonderful article. We must all confront our deepest fears. Life is too short to hold back. We must let go and trust. It takes courage to allow love and abundance to flow into our life.
    Thank you Jeff.

  • Alba

    I never realized till recently after i broke up with a highly clingy guy. After that i researched and found out I’m a commitment phobic. I analyzed my situation, the past relationships, and my family chain. I cant let guy leave me vulnerable I have to be the one to leave him. I can’t commit to one person for the rest of my life when I know I’ll probably bump into someone better later on. And plus the’ll probably hold me back on my dreams and future. Just the thought of it was like a nightmare. So in my little mind i think to myself. why commit now when i can wait and commit to someone better “the right ideal guy”for me.. I have a childhood trauma and I wasnt and never felt loved by my father. I saw him a bad guy who mistreated and physically abused my mother. Grew up thinking every guy was bad and had a charming mask on to mke girls fall for them. So I pretty much left every boyfriend i had you could call me a heartbreaker but as long as i wasnt the one suffering then i was fine with it i did have a little guilt though. I kind of sobataged some of my relationships and when they messed up it was a perfect excuse to finally leave them. The last relationship I had been in was hell. I fell for this “good guy” actually I came to a point to where I thought I actually loved him and thought it was all of my fault for not committing to him. But I had forgotten how to tell a difference between a healthy relationship and sick one. Like isaid in the beginning Im the commitment phobic and he was the highly clingy one. it was torture worse than a nightmare. he brought the living together and marriage thing up and i just went with the flow because i didnt want to hurt him but in the back of my mind i was trying to escape from him. he was emotionally abusive and almost hurt me physically. my worst fear came back to haunt me but this time it wasnt me witnessing my parents this time i was involved and i needed to figure out a way to get out fast easy and without maaking him go crazy and hurt me. Aagin the only way to get out was sobataging the relationship and with the help of everyone else. I lied to myself saying I loved him but i didnt. When my plan worked I was single and now i had freedom and i could date whoever but with that relationship my phobi got more worse thn what it actually was it had mrked me nd now i fear commiting more than ever before… I hate this I want to overcome my phobia but I feel like nobody is willing to help me. i feel lonely.

    • On The Right Track!

      Hi Alba, Not sure if anyone responded yet, or if you’ll get this but, I read your whole story (which I never do because I have ADD)… Anyway. I think that it’s great! You are learning.. you are asking the right questions… you are understanding your roots.. and understanding how sucked in you can get if you meet a guy and you sabotage good relationships but are drawn to negative ones. Its all good. You need to pick up the book “Getting To Commitment” It covers everything! Bottom line.. you will need the help of a trained therapist to first really understand your root of anxiety.. then understand the triggers… then understand your reactions… then start to create a “angel on your shoulder/loving self talk side of you” that reminds you that you’re doing ok… and to work through these issues in general… I hope this helps!

  • Roxi

    I have recently discovered my fear of commitment. I don’t know if it stemmed from being abused in my first serious relationship, my second walking out on me, or really never seeing a long term relationship growing up that my mom was happy in. I do realize however, when it suddenly is time to take that next step into a steady serious relationship phase, I get cold feet. I more fear the idea of missing out than I do rejection. What if I get in too deep then realize he’s really not the man I thought he was? Putting so much effort into something that has a bigger chance to fail than succeed seems pointless to me. I’ve searched the internet, confided in my friends, but nothing anything or anyone says seems to help. Is it possible this is a phase? Will I one day truly want to settle down? All I think is “I’m 22 I’m too young to settle down.” Meanwhile I see all my friends around me getting married. If anyone has any good advice I’d love to hear it.

    • On The Right Track!

      Anyway. I think that it’s great! You are learning.. you are asking the right questions… you are understanding your roots.. and understanding how sucked in you can get if you meet a guy and you sabotage good relationships but are drawn to negative ones. Its all good. You need to pick up the book “Getting To Commitment” It covers everything! Bottom line.. you will need the help of a trained therapist to first really understand your root of anxiety.. then understand the triggers… then understand your reactions… then start to create a “angel on your shoulder/loving self talk side of you” that reminds you that you’re doing ok… and to work through these issues in general… I hope this helps!

    • Chalk

      Yes, it is daunting to put “so much effort into something that has a bigger chance to fail than succeed”. After all, we all want to be far removed from failure. But here’s something to think about: If you put in the effort and wholeheartedly commit, you might fail, while if you don’t actually commit at all you are guaranteed to fail!

      As the author eloquently put it, “The fruit is always worth the pain. The alternative is the fruit goes unpicked and falls to the ground, rotten.”
      Food for thought indeed

    • Kevin

      A great and wise man once said:

      “I never lose. I only win or learn.”

      – Nelson Mandela

      The reason that this is important to you, Roxi, is that I see one serious flaw in your logic. You said that it seems pointless to put so much effort into something that has a bigger chance to fail than succeed. But what you’re missing is the entire growth process that happens during any “failure”. I was in a relationship with an incredible woman for about 3 years, on and off. It turned out she wasn’t the one for me, and I wasn’t the one for her.

      I suppose I could say to myself, wow, what a waste of three years. But the reality is, those three years of “failure” were absolutely necessary for me. I learned so much about relationships during this time. My patience grew stronger, my empathy became highly tuned, I learned about my needs, strengths, and weaknesses. I learned about the needs of women, I developed a better sense of awareness when it came to my partner’s feelings. It uncovered my demons and hers. This stuff would have never bubbled to the surface had I not been with this fantastic lady. There was a tremendous amount of pain involved for both of us. There were also countless amazing moments. I can now say looking back that this was an unprecedented period of growth for me, and it would not have happened if I chose to stay cautious and fearful.

      Remember…. you never lose. You only win, or learn.

  • On The Right Track!

    Great post… I just found out that I was a commitment phobe like a week ago. My parents’ failed marriage… and both of their second marriages failed too… My mom’s ridiculous demands and high anxiety living… The growing up in NYC… The recovery from a terrible relationship where both of us became emotionally and physically abusive… being cheated on years ago… on and on and freaking on… HOWEVER! In general, I’m a pretty awesome and successful guy… I met my current girlfriend and fell head over heals! Then I became clingy, then I became jealous, then I became irrational… Thats when the brakes went on and I went to therapy…. I read an amazing book called “He’s Scared; She’s Scared” and the follow up book “Getting To Commitment” both were eye openers… I now know what I must do… 1. Take things SLOWWW 2. Stay in therapy to understand & work through my high relationship anxiety 3. Start loving myself and giving myself reassurance 4. Stop trying to leave my girlfriend! LMAO… So that’s it… I love this post.. and if you are reading this blog, you are probably seeking answers as to why you act certain ways or why your anxiety is making you sabotage your relationship…. The light at the end of the tunnel is supposedly that when your phobia and anxieties are mastered and understood and managed… love replaces them… hopefully you are with a partner that is loving, communicative, and patient.

    • Beauty4Ashes

      Your comment gave me hope. My bf is a commitment phobe and we are separated right now after he bailed on moving in with me last minute. This isn’t the first time either. He just started reading “He’s Scared, She’s Scared” and is talking about getting the follow up book and starting therapy. I’m trying to be supportive and patient but I don’t want to get my hopes too high because even getting help is a commitment in itself.

  • Catherine Valentine

    I needed this today. This week was my first week of my CNA clinicals and the first day was a train wreck. I lost my appetite and wanted to throw up and cried on the phone to my sister at lunch. I thought I wouldn’t survive. On the third day there were no tears and I was told I was doing a good job. I’m still apprehensive about going back next week, but I’m staying the course. I lost hope and it was terrible. But thanks to some friends who told me where my true strength comes from, I hope to be better prepared next week.

  • confabuloustv

    This is gold. I have always been indecisive (I’m a libra) and afraid of commitment – whether it’s a relationship, choosing my career path, or even picking a hair colour! I’m afraid of making the wrong decision, of being locked in, of shutting the door on something or someone. But, as you said, this causes extreme anxiety and distress, which may be a bigger cost than missing out on other options. Choosing allows you to channel all that energy toward that one goal or person – committing allows you opportunities to grow and really explore your interests. Because sitting on the fence and thinking about it doesn’t help you to know if it is for you or not. You can always quit and choose another path if you must, but without DOING, you’ll never know. Life is a series of decisions and risks taken, and these allow you to understand yourself and enjoy life – otherwise, you remain stagnant, anxious, and unhappy. This week, my partner and I decided to end our relationship, because, although we care for each other deeply, we want the best for each other even if that means being apart. It is very difficult and I’m resisting the urge to keep the option open to coming back together in the future – I should focus on the fact that this is the best decision for what we know right now, and it’s time for me to focus on healing and working towards my career. I am also moving into my own place and interviewing for a new job, while preparing applications to go back to school. So many changes, so many decisions, and it feel like too much at times, but I know these are good investments for moving on and enjoying life.

    • Zara

      Wow you’ve just described my life right now. Your reply was gold to me. Thank you. I’m printing you sticking it on my wall and reading it EVERY morning. I’ve kept my last relationship Open for 10years. Time to move on. I can’t even decide on changing my hair colour Bcs the damage night be unrepairable if I wanttoo back. Dear me I have work to do. Will also be purchasing book He’s Scared, She’s Scared and Getting to Commitment seems most have found it helpful

      • Gina

        My question is – do you commitment phobes revalue past relationship you run away from and want to go back to fix it, or you just repeat the pattern? What makes you want to fix it? Would you go back to partner? What partner can do to help? Or just stay away?

  • ForgingAhead

    I am glad I found this web page. I went through a painful divorce 10 years ago and though I went on some dates since then, I never got serious. I then met a wonderful beautiful woman and fell in love with her. About 3 months into the relationship (almost overnight), I got scared. I mean really scared and I could not figure out why? I broke up with her briefly and I could not figure out why or even tell her why? It was all very confusing. After some therapy and some good books (He’s Scared, She’s Scared and Getting to Commitment), I found that I have commitment phobia stemming from my divorce. (My ex cheated on me and I found that to be devastating.) So all the memories of my divorce started to resurface and I am working through them. (One would think after 10 years I would not have this problem but I do.)
    Fortunately my girlfriend is understanding and we got back together. It is still scary but I need to work my way through this. She is worth it.

    • Anonymous

      Hi

      I know this post is old . Im in your girlfriends shoes at the moment . Have a few questions

      How long was your break
      Were you in contact then?
      Did you reach out or did she ?
      Did the old issues come back?
      How is it now?

      Looking forwardto hearing from you soon

      🙂

  • talespinner

    Thank you for this! Funny enough I just put the book “He’s Scared; She’s Scared” and the follow up book “Getting To Commitment” on my amazon wish list. I come from a long history from parents divorcing, to dad leaving when I was 7, emotionally distant mother, multiple bad relationships, drug use, avoidance behaviors to cover up anything I might *shudder “FEEL”. I was married, now divorced….And yep, I panic. I have “the runs” as my now fioncee says. I am getting ready to go back to therapy because the run bug is back with a vengeance. Its like a battle in my head of my ego and wounded self telling me to go and has been for 4 years. The anxiety started well before the divorce so I know its not my guy causing it. I know I have been an avoidant my whole life, but I am finally facing it head on and not listening to that scared part of myself. I try to be nurturing and loving, but trying to see between the ego and the inner child is tough sometimes. I realize I need way more time than most people, I refused to see him as more than a friend for a few months after we met, then to move in together was horrifying but I tried it anyway because well he is a wonderful, loving, kind man. And after all, if we choose to stay alone, we really don’t grow and heal those parts of ourselves that are hurting, so here I am on this fun and painful ride of life.

  • WendyJae

    Thank you ! Im going to over come myself and put my life in motion.

  • O Dyy Odion

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  • Rebekah Jamison Lee

    I just realized that I have a commitment/trust problem. My very first relationship was abusive. But my second relationship was with someone I trusted and he helped me get through the trauma of my first relationship. But after a year and six months, he decided that I wasn’t what he wanted. I put so much trust and faith into that relationship and I thought that he was the one. After he left me, all of that trust and faith in relationships was shattered, until I met my current boyfriend. At first, I was perfectly fine. Then the relationship got serious and I started to get scared and anxious. He is so wonderful and patient with me–he is everything I’ve always wanted and yet, I still struggle with trusting him. It’s like, since I have always been mistreated, I don’t know how to react to being treated like I’m supposed to. He always supports me and gets me through my anxiety. But the thought that he will just leave me like the previous guy gnaws at my thoughts. It just comes and goes, and now that the relationship has moved into a long distance one for the summer, it’s gotten worse. I just have this fear that he will discover more and more about me and decide that I’m not worth it like the previous guy. But I know deep down that he loves me and will not give up on me. I just have some work to do on my part. I’m glad I found this article. It makes me realize that I’m not alone and that I can start to get better.

    • Kucca

      You are what some call passive commitmentfobe

  • Gina

    Thank you all for sharing all your stories and sharing insights on how you perceive commitment and what triggers do you have have. I am well adjusted female that has been in relationship with male commitment phoebe. All my past relationships were fulfilling and healthy, I had just a few and all were long term. In last relationship, I noticed all those red flags, but not having that experience I didn’t have a clue what was going on. It was very confusing, I just knew something was off. He was incredibly attentive and caring, we were great together in so many ways, talking about lots of stuff openly, but at the same time I could tell he is blocking himself, sabotaging relationship, not letting me in, and he didn’t express himself emotionally (verbally) after 2 years together.

    Through research and resources figured out with what I am dealing with. I tried to constructively help and understand more through open minded discussion but I always get dual messages back (want to be be with you so much, but want to run away, you are amazing but I fear change, etc). In the end I just was thinking it is unhealthy place for me and I left. He comes from very broken and chaotic family, had 2 failed relationships and numerous short ones.

    And even with this knowledge I think he is a great person dealing with serious issues that he cannot solve himself, he truly struggles. He had got some professional help but was not fully open there as well. After we broke, he completely avoided professional help.

    I miss him, but I would never go back to same relationship like that. I didn’t fully realize until I walked away what I walked away from. This is aftermath reflection for me.

    My question is – do you commitment phones revalue past relationship you run away from and want to go back to fix it, or you just repeat the pattern? What makes you want to fix it? Would you how back to parter? What parter can do to help?

  • Gina

    Thank you all for sharing all your stories and sharing insights on how you perceive commitment and what triggers do you have. I am well adjusted female that has been in relationship with male commitment phobe. All my past relationships were fulfilling and healthy, I had just a few and all were long term. In last relationship, I noticed all those red flags, but not having that experience I didn’t have a clue what was going on. It was very confusing, I just knew something was off. He was incredibly attentive and caring, we were great together in so many ways, talking about lots of stuff openly, but at the same time I could tell he is blocking himself, sabotaging relationship, not letting me in, and he didn’t express himself emotionally (verbally) after few years together.

    Through research and resources figured out with what I am dealing with. I tried to constructively help and understand more through open minded discussion but I always get dual messages back (want to be be with you so much, but want to run away, you are amazing but I fear change, etc). In the end I just was thinking it is unhealthy place for me and I left. He comes from very broken and chaotic family, had 2 failed relationships and numerous short ones.

    And even with this knowledge I think he is a great person dealing with serious issues that he cannot solve himself, he truly struggles. He had got some professional help but was not fully open there as well. After we broke, he completely avoided professional help.

    I miss him, but I would never go back to same relationship like that. This is aftermath reflection for me.

    My question is – do you commitment phobes revalue past relationship you run away from and want to go back to fix it, or you just repeat the pattern? What makes you want to fix it? Would you how back to partner? What partner can do to help?

  • Confused

    I grew up with PSD and have had difficulties in my childhood. Also, I’m still young I mean, I’m only seventeen. And I know I shouldn’t commit yet to a relationship and I dont want to, but a friend of mine recently asked me out and this huge feeling of anxiety overcame me. I just want to run, never see him again, but at the same time I care about him and he’s my friend. My life is just beginning and the thought of any relationship at all scares me. But what about in a couple of years? Will I “settle down” and start to actually date someone without turning everyone away? I have only dated one person, and I felt trapped the whole relationship, felt like there was only this. I actively sought out others that I would rather date and made up a list of things I didnt like about him. I mean, I am not going to commit to saying I am a commitment phone (ironic) but I cant help but wonder if thats what I will become.
    What do I do now, with this friend of mine?

    • Lana

      I am just the same. I’m also 17, and I know it’s a young age but what about in 3-4 years? If we can’t overcome it right now it will be even harder then. I’m surrounded by friends in long term relationships. I have no idea how they do it, and when I’m single I actually want that too. But the moment we pass the flirting phase and make it official, I feel like I’m suffocating. Like I’m trapped, I feel like running through the hills. And right now, I feel like that. This really sweet guy, who cares deeply about me, and we made it official but now even a good morning texts with heart emojis scare the crap out of me. We are in the same school so I’m really worried of hurting him. I don’t want to mess this up, specially because I only have 2 months left, I’m going abroad for college. I do wanna spend time with him but he says I love you so easily my brain does a red light and yells for me to escape the building. Does this make sense? I’ve always been like this, ever since I was a child. I never got the logic of actually dating, sounded really scary so I always had my flirts, but never boyfriends. I keep hurting them and myself. I don’t know how to overcome it I can’t control it..

  • swns

    honestly I feel like my commitment issues are pretty messed up. I have had a lot of boyfriends and none of them end too pretty. Im all about a guy before we actually date but this weird thing happens where in about two weeks of all my relatioships I get almost like disgusted with each person and one time I just told myself I was making it up and stayed another two weeks and they guy finally stopped me and asked if I even wanted to be with him…it was that obvious…he was so nice and great too. brought me chocolates and flowers when I was in a mood and space when it couldn’t be helped. Im kind of seeing this new guy now and I have recently been hurt again, and im worried I will get repulsed again once me and this guy make it official like I always do..i don’t want that. nee advice other than just deal with it because I have tried and it just made a perfectly good guy doubt himself because I was struggling with my own demons..

    • acd

      I do the exact same thing. The minute I hear that a man wants to be exclusive. I freeze up, panic, and have anxiety. It is getting to the point where I am confused if I am choosing the wrong men or am I letting good ones good because of my fears.

  • Hana

    Hi!

    I’ve read your piece a few months ago when I was really struggling with my commitment issues in my life in general and especially in my long term relationship. It has really given me strength to just grit my teeth and DO IT.
    So, I just wanted to say thanks.
    Also, I’m going to write a piece on this issue too in these few days so I hope it’s ok If I include a link to your article in my blog post.

    Thanks again so much! You made a difference in a life of a certain nobody and that is awesome 🙂

    My blog (not to make a plug, just for you to know where you’ll be mentioned)

    https://reallifetalkblog.wordpress.com/

  • james bugger

    my name is Micheal

    I hate to say this i have to cos even if it feels wrong its something i had to do.Some people say if a door closes another opens but i say that is just a way of dealing with the pain we feel cos really if we loss something or someone so dear, we can never really get a replacement cos nothing will ever seem to fit.Well that was just how i felt when my wife left eleven years old marriage with my beautiful kids. It was all my fault.I made our marriage almost come to an end but am happy because it didn’t, all thinks to DR EBOSELE a magic guy or rather spell caster as most people call it online.Its amazing how one mistake can take away all you have worked hard for in just a blink.Just a moment of weakness that made me cheat on my wife, would have been the end of all my happiness and my family.Most people reading this may think a guy cheats on his wife and does all he can not to loss her.I know what come to the mind first is, if he really loved her as he claim why cheat in the first place? Honestly for experience you just don’t make up your mind to want to be unfaithful to your other half wife or girlfriend, it just happens like something or lets say some kind of impulse just take control and make you do even when at that moment you know you gonna regret it forever.This is how best i can explain it but i know one thing after i did it, i realized how much i loved my wife and at the same time how much i betrayed her. It didn’t stay hiden for so long she found out and she lost it all i saw it clearly she still loved me so much cos in her eyes all i could see was deep pain and a thick cut in her heart even when she kicked me out and wanted a divorce.I love this woman with all my heart and was really not going to let go.As i said i asked a spell caster DR EBOSELE to help me restore my marriage and my life cos really he was my last option to happiness again. His spell made the subconscious of her that always loved me selflessly surface again as he explained what ever he did help a lot as other article i read about him said, he only asks for materials for the spell casting and if it may arise extra money to ship the spell package to you. He is honest and trustworthy and reliable. IF you may contact do it with this email dreboseletempleofgrace@hotmail.com

  • Dan

    Hi, I broke off an engagement to someone very special after a very long relationship and then met the most incredible women straight away. We broke up once before and have recently split again.. I’m am very hurt but getting back to normal.. she broke it off but it was because of my behaviour: it’s like the love switch flips (when she says she loves me – the responsibility, fear of growing up and fear of failure). I back away, no longer investing in the relationship and testing her love, seeing how far she is willing to be pushed because maybe I don’t trust I can be loved that way.. I know its happening but can’t control it.. it’s like watching yourself going off the edge of a cliff in a car but your feet are tied and cant slam the brakes on. Anyway to answer your question Gina: the first time we split I read up and addressed some things then got her back. This time I threw the kitchen sink at it.. Now I am much more self aware and much better self educated in this stuff.. I do want to go back and fix the problems because I know she is the one.. sadly she is clear not to entertain a third term with me.. I will love her with all my heart and hope someday there may be a chance.. in the mean time I will work on my issues including counselling.. make no mistake, we didn’t ask to be commitment phobes (if that’s what we are) and this is our life’s mission to overcome… I can’t wait for her to come back someday, she will only be chased but this time she’s not budging.. so I will try and learn from this relationship and work it through with another love maybe.. I heard a great quote: coming close to seeing what you thought you wanted will give you more than you have ever hoped (this is mastery!).

  • Dan

    Hi, I broke off an engagement to someone very special after a very long relationship and then met the most incredible women straight away. We broke up once before and have recently split again.. I’m am very hurt but getting back to normal.. she broke it off but it was because of my behaviour: it’s like the love switch flips and I become cold (when she says she loves me – the responsibility, fear of growing up and fear of failure). I back away, no longer investing in the relationship and testing her love, seeing how far she is willing to be pushed because maybe I don’t trust I can be loved that way.. I know its happening but can’t control it.. it’s like watching yourself going off the edge of a cliff in a car but your feet are tied and cant slam the brakes on. The first time we broke up read around the subject and addressed some things then won her back in a very heroic way. We broke up again after 6 more months.. this time I massively invested in self improvement. Now I am much more self aware and much better self educated and close to understanding my trigger and behaviour patterns.. I recommend counselling and self research, it’s a commitment!! I do want to go back and fix the problems because I know she is the one.. this has been my energy to improve, though I know I am supposed to be doing it for myself.. sadly she is not entertaining a third term with me.. I will love her with her and hold some hope.. in the mean time I will work to solve my complex mind.. make no mistake, we didn’t ask to be commitment phobes (if that’s what we are) and this is our life’s mission to overcome… I can not simply wait for her to come back someday, she will only be chased but this time she’s not budging.. so I will try and learn from this relationship and work it through with another love maybe, this time learning to push through and enjoying the unknown instead of fearing it. I heard a great quote: coming close to seeing what you thought you wanted will give you more than you have ever hoped (this is mastery!).

  • Dan

    Hi, I broke off an engagement to someone very special after a very long relationship and then met the most incredible women straight away. We broke up once before and have recently split again.. I’m am very hurt but getting back to normal.. she broke it off but it was because of my behaviour: it’s like the love switch flips and I become cold (when she says she loves me – the responsibility, fear of growing up and fear of failure). I back away, no longer investing in the relationship and testing her love, seeing how far she is willing to be pushed because maybe I don’t trust I can be loved that way.. I know its happening but can’t control it.. it’s like watching yourself going off the edge of a cliff in a car but your feet are tied and cant slam the brakes on. The first time we broke up I read around the subject and addressed some things then won her back in a very heroic way. We broke up again after 6 more months.. this time I massively invested in self improvement. Now I am much more self aware and much better self educated and close to understanding my trigger and behaviour patterns.. I recommend counselling and self research, it’s a commitment!! I do want to go back and fix the problems because I know she is the one.. this has been my energy to improve, though I know I am supposed to be doing it for myself.. sadly she is not entertaining a third term with me.. I will love her and hold some hope.. in the mean time I will work to solve my complex mind.. make no mistake, we didn’t ask to be commitment phobes (if that’s what we are) and this is our life’s mission to overcome… I can not simply wait for her to come back someday, she will only be chased but this time she’s not budging.. so I will try and learn from this relationship and work it through with another love maybe, this time learning to push through and enjoying the unknown instead of fearing it. I heard a great quote: coming close to seeing what you thought you wanted will give you more than you have ever hoped (this is mastery!).

  • Dn

    Hi, I broke off an engagement to someone very special after a very long relationship and then met the most incredible women straight away. We broke up once before and have recently split again.. I’m am very hurt but getting back to normal.. she broke it off but it was because of my behaviour: it’s like the love switch flips and I become cold (when she says she loves me – the responsibility, fear of growing up and fear of failure). I back away, no longer investing in the relationship and testing her love, seeing how far she is willing to be pushed because maybe I don’t trust I can be loved that way.. I know its happening but can’t control it.. it’s like watching yourself going off the edge of a cliff in a car but your feet are tied and cant slam the brakes on. The first time we broke up I read around the subject and addressed some things then won her back in a very heroic way. We broke up again after 6 more months.. this time I massively invested in self improvement. Now I am much more self aware and much better self educated and close to understanding my trigger and behaviour patterns.. I recommend counselling and self research, it’s a commitment!! I do want to go back and fix the problems because I know she is the one.. this has been my energy to improve, though I know I am supposed to be doing it for myself.. sadly she is not entertaining a third term with me.. I will love her and hold some hope.. in the mean time I will work to solve my complex mind.. make no mistake, we didn’t ask to be commitment phobes (if that’s what we are) and this is our life’s mission to overcome… I can not simply wait for her to come back someday, she will only be chased but this time she’s not budging.. so I will try and learn from this relationship and work it through with another love maybe, this time learning to push through and enjoying the unknown instead of fearing it. I heard a great quote: coming close to seeing what you thought you wanted will give you more than you have ever hoped (this is mastery!).

  • Francesco D’Arcangeli

    Well written and to the point.
    But are you really proposing that we should dive headfirst in any relationship that SEEMS promising just because otherwise the fruit etc etc etc?
    When does commitment becomes stubborn obsession with “making it work?” Great leaders also know when battles can’t be won…
    (Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying never committing is right)

  • Trace

    Interesting article. How do you explain someone who has got to 58 and has nothing and no one?. I have a friend who I think has become extremely self absorbed never committing to anything her whole life.I wonder how many out there are like this??.While she is a smart person who is nice enough,she has never married,owned a home,never stayed with a partner long term,and is still flatting at nearly 60. Shes now even turned to religion as the says God will guide her now.She turned into such a flake and doesnt even answer texts or ph when she says she will,she cant even bring herself to do the smallest tasks like making a purchase in a shop without second guessing it?.When asked if she ever wanted kids or to be married,she responded yes but it just never happened for her. But she also said earlier she had dumped a couple of really good potential partners in her life and even went back for one who told her sorry its too late and he had moved on.This was the love of her life she said.I just think these types are forever waiting for perfection,but they do miss out on so many opportunities because of it. She had some good coin and spent it all on trips across the world,but is now on welfare and working part time, with no savings?.While its fun to be carefree when you are young.it can cost you big time when you reach retirement age and realise you actually have nothing to show for all those years of working and studying??. I just think its a recipie for disaster,living like an old teenager when you dont have to.

  • frank davis

    Please I need help. my boyfriend of a year told me he don’t feel anymore ab

  • Nnabuife Uche Jane Eseroghene

    I thought am alone. I don’t know how to vent my feelings. I can’t cry in the presence of someone butwhen am alone , i cry alot. I had a terrible relationship and some short ones.
    One of the short ones, i suddenly lost interest in the dude and i moved on without informing him. He tried to get us and i made sure we don’t come back. I long to be in a mutual relationship but when i notice that the relationship is trying to get to another phase, i start panicking on how i will cope.
    Am afraid of getting married because of the pressure of taking care of he kid(s), my husband and some other responsibilities.
    It is one of my reasons of not wanting to much kids. Just 1 will be ok and i will need some time before giving birth.
    My current boyfriend, i was having the crushy feelings and before i knew it, the whole feelings evaporated.
    I started looking out for his flaws, started thinking if i should back out or not at thesame time, i like him so much.

    My Plans right now is to see a Psychiatrist or a Psychologist so that i can start any therapy prescribed.

    Thanks again for this page @the writer.